Five Lines
by headoverheels4HP
Summary: Lily Evans, she's that girl the one everyone wants to be...but what if shes not? What will be the results if James finds out her secrets? very OOC! and Completly finsihed.
1. The End

**Five Lines  
**

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the not there plot. :D

The wind was harsh, and the night was cold as Lily Evans sat with her back against the cold stone wall of the tallest tower in Hogwarts. Her dark auburn hair was flying around her small delicate face, sticking to her flushed cheeks and nose. She closed her eyes as she reached her small hand out to grab the neck of a bottle; bringing the glass to her lips she took a large gulp, savoring the burning feeling of the firewhiskey sliding down her throat.

Her emerald green eyes opened slowly and her mouth opened to let out a short anguished cry to the dark heavens. She slowly lowered the bottle and picked up a pack of cigarettes from beside her, and the red lighter beside the pack. The red head then slowly pulled a single cigarette from the pack before lighting it, and taking a long slow deliberate drag.

Staring up at the black sky Lily released the smoke from her lungs watching as it swirled up like a fog into the sky. Taking another long drag the girl sighed and the smoke once again spiraled heavily around her, shielding her from the world.

After an elongated silence filled with heavy sighs and grey smoke, the small woman put out her cigarette against the stone, before throwing it across the tower. Washing her mouth out with another gulp of alcohol, the pretty girl put down the almost empty bottle and picked up a silver knife.

The blade was a sharp and threatening silver, and the handle was an intricately carved lion, with eyes that were glimmering rubies. Lily looked at her wrist where four scars sat in even row along her forearm.

The first was made by her eleven year old self, when she lost her best friend, her confidant, her sister. Her shy self had been devastated, when the only person she would talk to, left her to suffer by herself in a new world. She had taken the lion blade that her father had given her and made a cut straight across her arm.

The second scar was made in Lily's third year when she first met James Potter's wrath, he had asked her out in front of the whole school in the great hall. She had turned him down nicely and in her usual shy fashion when he said, "who would want to go out with you anyway Evans."

She had retreated to her dorm room to make the second cut across her otherwise pale and perfect skin.

The third marring was from fifth year made from, her best friend since Petunia left her, Severus Snape. James bloody Potter was teasing and showing off again when it all happened. Some immature shouts and hexes and then it came…that word. That awful word coming from the mouth of her best friend, the one person that she would trust with her life… had betrayed her.

"Mudblood."

Her blood was mud, she wasn't worthy of being a witch…she had told him that it had hurt her, what she hadn't said is that she believed it. She new that her blood was dirty, it was stained, it wasn't pure…it was gross and disgusting. So when she made the third cut across her forearm she imagined the blood, the blood filled with streams of dark brown mud.

The fourth cut was made because of her; her own body caused this thin pink line. In sixth year she had been sitting in the great hall, eating her dinner, when Sirius Black yelled across the table at her.

"Bugger Evans, got a mountain on your plate, yeah" He and James laughed and Lily shoot an automatic reply that didn't even register in her mind. She immediately rushed out of the great hall and up to her dorm, staring at herself in the mirror. Her perfect body wasn't what she saw, she saw fat. She saw flab hanging over her bones and over the bands of her clothes. She saw it jiggling and swaying as she pinched and prodded. Lily ran into the loo and threw up her dinner and lunch, before finding her knife hidden deep in her trunk and making that fourth cut.

Finally here and now the fifth cut. She slowly pressed the sliver blade against the white of her skin and watched as the deep blood leaked from the skin and began to drip hotly across her arm. Black clouded the outskirts of her vision a mixture of the smoke, alcohol, and cut. Lily didn't even hear the door to the tower open, so she opened her eyes wide hoping to last another few seconds before she knew the black spots in her vision would cloud over.

She let out a loud scream to the heavens, a scream filled with anguish, terror, and pain. Then it was gone, left with a defending silence as the small girl slumped against the wall, passed out.

Two strong arms lifted her easily from her pathetic spot on the ground and carried her effortlessly from the tower all the way to hospital wing. The male set her down upon a sterile white bed and went to get the nurse, making sure she was taken care of.

Then he made his way back to the tower and with a flick of his wand all evidence of Lily's late night excursion was gone.

Then James Potter made his way back to the hospital wing and sat next to the girl's bed. He reached for her hand when he noticed the cuts, the fifth clotting and getting ready to scar. He brought his lips to her arm and kissed each cut softly, tears falling from his hazel eyes.

"I promise you Lily Evans, that you will never be pained like this again. I will protect you and keep you safe, and love you…even if you don't realize it."

He gently stroked her hair, running his long digits through it slowly. He watched as she breathed slowly through her open mouth. He leaned down and placed his lips upon hers gently before pulling back and running a free hand through his black messy locks.

Tears formed in the tall mans eyes, and as they began to fall… he fell to his knees and buried his face into the comatose girls side, his tears soaking the white sheets, and his sobs racking the empty hospital wing.

* * *

The scars fade. Always there to be remembered, to know that it was real, but also there to remind her that it was over. It had been over, for a long time. The last thing she saw were the green eyes of her son and the five straight scars across her wrist before she made the last decision of her life…and the most important.

To save a life, a life that was needed far more than her own;

Harry Potter…the boy who lived, her son.

**Fin **


	2. Line One

Five lines

**Five lines**

Line # 1

_The first was made by her eleven year old self, when she lost her best friend, her confidant, her sister. Her shy self had been devastated, when the only person she would talk to, left her to suffer by herself in a new world. She had taken the lion blade that her father had given her and made a cut straight across her arm._

The small girl sat on her petite white bed, her almond shaped green eyes opened in wonder at the piece of paper in her little hands. The parchment was heavy and thick, and the ink that curled upon the page was elegant and swirling.

"Hogwarts," Lily breathed taking in the green ink and reading the letter for the tenth time in an hour.

"It's real,"

The letter arrived personally, by a strict looking woman, with hawk like eyes and a thin line for a mouth. The woman had promptly explained about Hogwarts, about witches and wizards and she had given directions to a place called…

"Diagon ally," another breathy word escaped from the eleven year olds mouth, the place where they could find all types of wizarding supplies.

Wonder filled the red heads eyes as everything began to fully catch up to her.

"BAM"

Her small white door slammed against the cheery yellow wall, as her older sister filled the doorway.

"Tuny!" Lily bounded from her bed letter clutched in her small hand as she latched around her older sisters middle.

"Get off of me you freak!" The small girl fell to the ground at the surprise and harshness of her sisters' push.

"Why Tuny, why are you mad at me?" Lily said through her clouded eyes and the clogging of her throat.

"You're a freak! You won't have any friends at your freak school; because you won't talk to anyone…no one will like you…just like no one likes you here. And now you won't even have me, because I will not associate with freaks. You and that stupid Snape kid have fun together, because you won't have me to turn too!" With a flounce Petunia stalked out of the room, leaving Lily in the floor her letter still held in her hand while tears leaked from her eyes.

Little Lily sat in her floor still confused and devastated as to what happened.

Then it all crashed in on her and a sob burst through, coming out too anguished to be coming from an eleven year old child. She scrambled from the floor and threw herself at her bed, she closed her eyes and held the thick letter to her heart as the tears flowed freely from her eyes, and her sad cries were muffled by her lace pillow.

Her sister, the one who she trusted with everything and every secret…had abandoned her. Has abandoned her because of the very thing she was…because of who she was. A freak.

Lily reached her hand out to her bed side table and pulled out the drawer. She reached inside and felt around before pulling out a knife, her father's gift to her for her eleventh birthday. It had been passed down through her family for hundreds of years, a knife. The handle was sliver and in it was carved an intricate lion, its eyes were glittering red rubies, and out of its mane protruded a large sharp blade.

The pained child slowly brought the shinning blade to her forearm and she swiftly made a cut across. She immediately dropped the knife as a sharp pain quickly filled her arm, before slowly draining into a numbing ache.

The small girl watched in fascination as the dark crimson liquid leaked from her arm, before she slowly fell into an exhausted sleep.

It was the first one, the first line.

She was eleven, so young and so innocent to already feel that pain, the numbing calming pain.

The pain that she would soon learn to rely on.


	3. Line Two

Five Lines

**Five Lines**

Line # 2 

_The second scar was made in Lily's third year when she first met James Potter's wrath, he had asked her out in front of the whole school in the great hall. She had turned him down nicely and in her usual shy fashion when he said, "who would want to go out with you anyway Evans."_

_She had retreated to her dorm room to make the second cut across her otherwise pale and perfect skin._

Dinner was always a magnificent affair at Hogwarts, the tables groaned with strain at all of the heavy food.

Lily Evans sat with her dorm mates, towards the left end of the Gryffindor table. Her eyes were cast downward and her wavy auburn hair fell in a curtain to cover her face. She ate her food quietly ignoring the loud chatter of her fellow third year girls.

"OI, EVANS!" the shout caused the whole school to turn towards James Potter, the source of the outburst.

Lily snapped her head up, her wide eyes meeting those of Potters who stared at her from the middle of the table.

"What?" she answered quietly her soft voice echoing through the heavy silence.

She watched as James' best friend snickered behind his hand, and the quiet sandy haired friend rolled his eyes.

"wanna go out with me?" the messy haired boy said a smirk pulling at his lips, and a mischievous twinkle in his hazel eyes.

Lily watched as the light flickered across his wire rimmed glasses, as a blush slowly crept up into Lily's face. The whole school was watching her getting asked out, by THE James Potter.

"umm. No thank you," her voice rang out soft but clear across the great hall.

"ohhh," the chorus of students rang out as a moment of shock momentarily passed across Potter's face.

"Who would want to go out with you anyway Evans?"

It was low, a low blow to the innocent shy girl.

But he had to save his ego.

Lily's face burned with embarrassment, and she lowered her head, her hair once again falling into a curtain around her face.

His friends laughed, and the school laughed, and the ones who called themselves her friends laughed.

It rang in her ears like bells, that laughter…echoing all around the stone room. It didn't stop, it rang out and rang out until tears stung her eyes and she clutched at her head to make it stop.

The small girl grabbed her bag and ran out of the hall, the haunting laughter following her as she ran through the castle. Lily finally reached the portrait of the fat lady, she screamed the password before flinging herself into the common room and racing up the stairs.

She ran onto her bed and pulled the ruby curtains shut around her before letting out a choked sob. She buried her head into her knees, and let her salty tears soak her pants. The red head let out a small angry scream before darting to the end of the bed and into her large trunk.

She rummaged through her school trash and odds and ends, before pulling out the knife.

That ironic knife, how can she be a Gryffindor? She isn't brave, she drowns herself in the very thing that she represents. The lion upon the handle is what she is supposed to be…but the blade the sharp, glinting blade is what she truly is. She numbs her pain with the idol of her house…the idol of her inner soal.

What does the sorting hat know anyway.

"_who would want to go out with you anyway Evans."_

"nobody" the word was soft and sad as it fell out of her mouth.

The Second cut was swift and easy through her pale skin.

The blood ran like water out of her moonlight skin, it ran in rivets down her arm. The pain was sharp, but once again it numbed…into something easy, something simple, something that no one else could understand.

The pain stopped all thoughts, it stopped all feelings.

And the temptation for that pain was far too great.

The temptation that would eventually bring the light, but only by taking the darkest road possible.

That wonderful, awful, temptation.

A/N: Thanks for reading :D and I appreciate all the awesome reviews. Please know that I will try to update as soon as possible, but it is the summer and I will be gone from a computer for a couple of weeks. But the next update will be in as soon as possible. Thank you :


	4. Line Three

Five Lines

**Five Lines**

Line Three:

_The third marring was from fifth year made from, her best friend since Petunia left her, Severus Snape. James bloody Potter was teasing and showing off again when it all happened. Some immature shouts and hexes and then it came…that word. That awful word coming from the mouth of her best friend, the one person that she would trust with her life… had betrayed her._

"_Mudblood."_

_Her blood was mud, she wasn't worthy of being a witch…she had told him that it had hurt her, what she hadn't said is that she believed it. She new that her blood was dirty, it was stained, it wasn't pure…it was gross and disgusting. So when she made the third cut across her forearm she imagined the blood, the blood filled with streams of dark brown mud._

The sun was hot that day, beating down on her head in waves. Heating her skin and burning her closed lids. The flaming in her heart was almost drowned by the heat on her skin…then she heard it, the laughter. That same laughter that caused that thin line along her arm, the ringing laughter that never seemed to stop because it was in surround sound. This time, it wasn't directed at her.

Lily Evans peeled her eyes open and glanced behind her, only to see her best friend being dangled in the air, at the wrong end of James Potter's wand.

Anger burned a trail down her throat and left a sour taste in her mouth; she quickly slipped her feet out of the cold water and picked up her wand from beside her. The fifteen year old stood swiftly and began to stalk across the grounds over the where the ruckus was taking place.

Her mask was forming; words were sprouting from her mouth, meaningless words…insults. Her façade. The person she became to escape from who she is…the one person people respect.

Sassy Lily Evans.

Confidant Lily Evans.

_Sexy _Lily Evans.

That person didn't exist, that person was a fake…it was the person that Lily wanted to be instead of who she really was:

Hurt Lily Evans.

Sad Lily Evans.

_Shy_ Lily Evans.

James Potter had asked her out again, and she turned him down in embarrassment _again_.

Then she tried to help her friend…her best friend, the one who had been with her after Petunia abandoned her. Her friend, her life support…the only one who knew the true Lily Evans, Severus Snape.

But then he betrayed her…he said the word,

"Mudblood"

Lily turned and walked away, refusing to run until she was out of sight.

Tears stung her eyes harshly, and the clogging in her throat was staunching her breathing.

The hurt girl finally made it to her empty dorm; everyone else was out enjoying the beautiful day, and the break from O.W.L's.

Lily finally let the tears fall down her cheeks; they stung in harsh reality as his voice rang in her head.

"_mudblood" _

"_mudblood"_

"_mudblood" _

She knew it; she knew she wasn't worthy to be a witch.

She was rewarded with magic unfairly, and she felt guilt weighing her very being down. She herself was impure, and dirty. The very person she was, wasn't worthy of living.

_He_ had said so…and _he_ was always right.

Her best friend…or Ex-best friend.

Lily made her way softly over to her dress side table and pulled open the small drawer. The small teen slowly pulled out a pack of cigarettes, and a blue lighter. Pulling one out of the pack, she held it between her fingers as she opened the window and took a seat on the sill.

Lighting the cigarette, she took a long drag and let the silver smoke float and curl out into the night. Slowly her body began to relax and the pain began to numb, but the ache…the burn in her heart was still there.

She was painfully aware that she was nothing…nothing to anyone.

She put out her cigarette and stood up slowly; taking careful measured steps she reached into the open drawer and pulled out the glinting silver knife.

The lions' red eyes glared at her as she sat down upon her bed.

Painfully slowly and aware of every move she was making, she made a narrow but deep cut next to her other two.

The sharp pain was blinding, but it numbed quickly into the pain that blocked out the stinging in her heart.

She watched as red leaked from her arm, a scary crimson red swirled with dark sticky mud. It dripped from her arm grossly, red and brown…an impure mixture. It was what people thought she was so…it must be who she was.

Black spots began to cloud around the outskirts of her vision, but Lily welcomed them and was thankful when they took over…and she fell into a painless world.

The light that people thought she was; was really a deep darkness.

Darkness so black that it faked light, a blinding white light.

It pretended.

But all games eventually come to an end.


	5. Line Four

Five Lines

**Five Lines**

Line Four:

_The fourth cut was made because of her; her own body caused this thin pink line. In sixth year she had been sitting in the great hall, eating her dinner, when Sirius Black yelled across the table at her._

"_Bugger Evans, got a mountain on your plate, yeah" He and James laughed and Lily shoot an automatic reply that didn't even register in her mind. She immediately rushed out of the great hall and up to her dorm, staring at herself in the mirror. Her perfect body wasn't what she saw, she saw fat. She saw flab hanging over her bones and over the bands of her clothes. She saw it jiggling and swaying as she pinched and prodded. Lily ran into the loo and threw up her dinner and lunch, before finding her knife hidden deep in her trunk and making that fourth cut_.

The great hall once more. The food was temptingly heavy and lush and Lily hadn't eaten lunch that day, choosing instead to study for her exam the period before. So she had pilled an unusual amount of food on her plate and was eating happily when the handsome and suave Sirius Black yelled at her from across the table.

His voice was deep and it chilled her bones, the cold pressure on her chest intensified when the words out of his mouth registered in her mind.

She was fat.

"Jerk off, Black!" she sneered, her mask taking its perfect form; she jumped up from the table and stalked out. Her façade almost perfect the only give away was the harsh pounding of her heavy heart.

She cleared the great hall doors, the slam reverberated in the quiet entry hall, and Lily broke out into a frantic run.

Her feet pounded in time with her heart as she ran, ran up stairs and down halls, and through corridors. Her eyes stung, and her throat felt like cotton balls had been stuffed into it, she heaved as she finally made it to the portrait of the fat lady.

She screamed the password before throwing herself into the cheery common room. Lily didn't pause to look as she hurtled up the steps and into the sixth year girl's dormitories. Resisting the urge to heave she threw herself into the loo, falling harshly onto her knees in front of the blindingly white toilet.

The bile rose in her throat swiftly, and her back bent over as she threw up her breakfast and what she ate of dinner. She continued to dry heave even after her stomach was empty, and her large tears fell into the toilet also, swirling into the gross vomit.

Lily rolled back from her knees landing on her bottom, pulling her knees to her chest she buried her head into her legs; tears falling heavily and quiet sobs erupting from her body.

After her body felt vaguely numb, she stood up slowly on shaking legs to go look at herself in the mirror.

Lily didn't see her delicate shoulders and round curves, she didn't see the deep arch of her womanly waist and the beautiful outward bow of her hips, she didn't see her shapely legs, and her small cute hands.

Lily saw flab, hanging out of her waistband, jiggling around her arms, and making her thighs look mountainous. She saw fat hanging and jiggling wherever she prodded and poked. Her body was gross…she disgusted herself.

She slowly turned from the mirror, closing her eyes but still seeing the ugly picture in her head.

Lily knelt down in front of her large brown trunk and opened it slowly, trying to forget the picture of her fat hanging around her.

She reached into the bottom and pulled out the knife, its sharp sliver blade looking more like a friend than anything she ever knew.

The cut was slow this time, slow and deep. She had to cut through all of her fat.

Black clouded her vision like dots, first the outskirts so all she could see was the bright red blood and her pale moon light against it. Then it took over her eyes and she fell into blissful oblivion.

Her body was perfect, and so was she.

Smart, beautiful, witty.

That was who Lily Evans was, who everyone thought she was…her mask…her only weakness was herself.

Lily listened to what other people said, therefore…she never could live for herself, she lived for the world.

And no one should do that, because if you live for the world…what exactly is there to live for?


	6. The Beginning

Five Lines

**Five Lines **

Line Five 

_Finally here and now the fifth cut. She slowly pressed the sliver blade against the white of her skin and watched as the deep blood leaked from the skin and began to drip hotly across her arm. Black clouded the outskirts of her vision a mixture of the smoke, alcohol, and cut. Lily didn't even hear the door to the tower open, so she opened her eyes wide hoping to last another few seconds before she knew the black spots in her vision would cloud over._

_She let out a loud scream to the heavens, a scream filled with anguish, terror, and pain. Then it was gone, left with a defending silence as the small girl slumped against the wall, passed out_.

Noise, was all she heard. The screeching of the evening owls, flying down from the opening in the great hall ceiling, the chatter of nightly gossip coming from all different tables and bouncing off of the stone walls. Noise. The little white letter dropped from the sky right onto her small meal, of bread and cheese and a little fruit.

She opened it slowly and with shaky hands, the ministry seal was very disturbing. Lily read the letter slowly, a numbness spread throughout her body, denial strongly pounding in her mind.

She stood up slowly; heat pricking behind her eyes, and emotion clogging her throat and staunching her breathing.

She walked slowly around the castle her eyes blinded by pain, and her heart the only sound in her ears. Eventually she made it to the highest tower, and she felt around before she pressed a small stone, opening a small opening; where she took out cigarettes, a lighter, and a bottle of firewhiskey.

She couldn't believe it…her parents…dead.

The only people she could trust anymore…had been killed by Voldemort.

Right then she decided that she would do whatever it takes…to kill the evil monster that murdered her parents.

She would do whatever it took to avenge them.

The pain she was feeling was blinding and she needed her release, she needed that release like a drug. She was an addict and she hated herself for it…but no one could help her.

She felt like no one should, and they wouldn't even try.

She lit her cigarette and took a swig of her whiskey…the pain slowly ebbing away.

So she cut her arm once more…the last time, but she didn't know that; and this time she let out a scream. One that hurt her throat and stung her gut, but it was over…it was all over.

The last line, those lines were a symbol of her past…the person she was before her heart was healed…so it wasn't the end.

It was only the beginning.


End file.
